There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
