just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
