I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
