Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
