well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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