tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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