Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Mom said you looked used
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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