Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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