I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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