Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
