alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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