You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
