I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
