I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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