I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
