I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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