this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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