Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
