Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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