At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
