Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
