He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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