So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
