I wish I could punch you in the face.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
