everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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