I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
