it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
