I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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