I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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