She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
