So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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