Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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