i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
