well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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