well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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