Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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