So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
