i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
