I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
