Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
