remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
