Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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