fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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