At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We need to get me chipped asap
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
