Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
