Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
