my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
