Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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