There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
