i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
