Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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