I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
