How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
that is very illegal...i love you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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